For the last two days I have been contemplating between acting lessons and writing lessons. I don’t know which to choose out of the two. And lately I have been thinking about my future and where I want to go in the next five to ten years. My teacher suggested that I should get a MFA in English, my career adviser says I should get a degree in Creative Writing and go into film or go into editorial work, either as a writer, poet or editor. Musical Theater teacher says that I should take a chance, take a leap into the theater world, my friends says I should continue to sing and my cousin says that I be on the stage. And my family believes I should go the safe path and be a teacher.
Though I tell them that I would be horrible teacher. Constantly telling them how I rant, lose track of my thoughts, have a terrible way of explaining things and a lack of leadership abilities and traits. They believe that teaching is the only path I can take when majoring in English. I don’t know what’s the true path for me, but I know that there is something more within me. Than teaching. And though I love my teachers and I know that teaching is important. I know within me are novels yet to be published, are poems screaming to be heard are songs tickling the hairs of my tongue, scripts waiting for me to read, are TV shoes desiring to be viewed and words wishing to be written.
Maybe I’m going the wrong path, but I believe that I can only find the right path by trying out my dreams. Even if they sound impossible. I know that I will regret not taking the leap.
The common decision of either going in super late or missing it….
Just a thought
I am beginning to understand that human love is not a naturally applied part of our nature. But rather a muscle that is within us waiting for us to exercise into totality.
Too many times we expect people to love us and we expect people to express love and to be love. But too many times we are also disappointed by how lacking humans can express this love. We are disappointed when the people who we believe should love us, actually hurt us. When humanity that should see everyone as equal, but only see themselves as useful and special puts down, enslave, murder and rape their fellow humans. As if, they see their own kind, their own race, their differentiated reflections as animals, dust, and nothings. Love is a muscle, its a capability that’s within us all but must be exercised in order to appear.
Nature according to Merriam-Webster when in accordance to humans means, the way that a person or animal behaves. But can people really be born with a loving nature. Can love be translated or made into a behavior.
Behavior in terms of Merriam Webster is a list of terms, but can simply be put into, the way in which something functions or operates. Meaning a list of behaviors can be something like laughter when you hear something funny, scratching when you itch, and being afraid of strangers when you feel uncomfortable. And of course a lot of people will say that Love is a response to our attraction to people. But wouldn’t kisses, hugs, sexual intercourse shows this as well if not more apparently than Love. For aggression, laughter, and fear is all emotions that can initiate action. Like Love correct. But it is only Love that can overcome the test of time when exercised correctly.
So then why is Aggression, Laughter and Fear seen more and understood more than Love?
It’s because I believe that when we are born. Humans immediately know, apply and understand necessity behaviors. Necessity behaviors is fear, anger, scratching, laughter, tiredness at night and sexual urges. All of these natures, these behaviors are necessary in order for us to live. Therefore, they are seen more, felt more and seen more among people.
Because they are things that not only appear naturally but are also more apparent when being shown. Our faces express these emotions with ease. But love… love has no face, it has no concrete definition. From person to person love can differ, love can change. And as time flows on, love can grow and disappear.
Love is like a muscle.
When a infant is born he doesn’t lack anything in physicality, yeah sure he is weaker and he will lose some teeth. But a baby in fact has more bones in him than a grown adult. Due to the birthing process. And as a infant grows, his muscles stretches and enlarge giving him more of ability to exercise them and use them better with function. And his bones fuse in his head to make a skull and grow longer and stronger with each passing day so that he/she may run, jump and walk one day. It is only until he grows curious of walking and learns how to walk, that he can being to discover how to use the muscles in his legs. It is only until he sees something that an infant can grow to reach out and clasp his interest. Like all these functions that we learn as we grow. Infants can learn how to love.
We learn how to love from our parents, they show us through their discipline, through their undying love for us even when we act up, and by pushing us to be better people. They do all of those things, that other people just wouldn’t do and say things that would normally cause us anger and to argue. But we quietly accept “silence” (not all the time), frustrated but not ready to kill (literally or figuratively), scheme to prank or even beat up later.
Not only is it an emotion that is presented to us at birth, but something that we can grow ourselves to giving to others. Love will cause us to stay in a relationship when hard times hit, it will overlook small and painless flaws to find the great things inside of people, it is not affected by age or sickness. True love lives, teaches, grows, strengthens and reveals.
So then why don’t we teach, how come couples divorce, why do we cheat, why do we hide. It’s because unlike fear, aggression and laughter that is strong and apparent in the beginning. Love is hidden, its there but unused.
Love is like the muscles in a infant, there but soft. One must teach a child to love, in order for them to have a loving nature. Unlike laughter, fear and aggression that appears naturally. Love is a natural thing that must be exercised in order to be used at its full capacity. This why I believe that Love is not naturally applied, it is taught, it is given and eventually it is grown.
If we do not learn how to exercise Love, then we will never be able to know what love is. You will never know the true limits of your body until you exercise and use it. If you lay down all day, do not expect a six pack, a toned body and spectacular butt. Love works exactly the same way. If you don’t use it, then you don’t know it.
Love is a muscle that I believe people often forget. They think its a natural occurrence, that it will fall out the sky and that its being used, applied and given to everyone constantly with no effort on their or other people part. But it isn’t. If you desire love, you must use it, you must spread it and you must grow it. Love takes sacrifice, it takes falling down, it takes getting hurt, it takes knowing flaws.
When you laugh, you don’t learn to laugh at certain things. You just find certain things amusing or funny. When your afraid, sure somethings you can teach your child to be afraid of. But fear doesn’t come teaching but from a fear of being uncomfortable, in pain, or close to death. Therefore when a child is taught something to fear, but later experiences this “fear” and is shown there is nothing fearful about it. They can put it aside and forget what they was once taught. Aggression is the same with the fear, it is something that we do in order to hide our insecurities. Infants naturally are possessive and aggressive with their possession because they are born with a natural me mentality. It is not something that is taught, but rather a part of us.
Love is a capability, a hidden nature. It is a muscle.
Teach people how to use it.
These are simple drafts that I have created of my two main characters. I know there is nothing much to them now. But these are the final common looks for Alicia and Kasernage (though he is actually an alien). I think his picture better suits their personalities and relationship. Bringing these characters more to life.
I think I’m allergic to fights, spats, moments of tension in places where peace should settle to stitch it’s lovely lullabies into blanketed dreams of past wishes for the children of men. Cause every time like magic, like clockwork, like *snap*! I feel my eyes lifting its weighted wings of lashes, I feel my body breath into itself filling my heavy leaded lung with air and fire like twitches throughout my fingers and toes like a firework set up on warm July nights.
Cause every time I hear my parent’s voices raise into agonizing cries of attention, anger and disappointment. I arise, to hear their calls, their barking, their soundless tears. I arise because somehow my sleep is fully driven upon the power of calmness, of eruptions snoring, of violent kicking of night terrors and smiling tears of dreams.
Now whether that means that I am a utterly happy person or maybe an extremely sensitive person to the emotions of others does not matter. For what does matter is that, I seem to wake up in the middle of fights. While others sleep peaceful, dreaming of gorgeous turning flowers of bloom and silhouettes of dreamy love boys and girls that arouse our bodies into a tangle of guilt and pleasure. I am left to awake to the settle sounds of tension, the settle sounds of cries.
And though my parent’s love each other, I do fear that fighting is a contagious form for others not quite like them for breaking up. Not because they lack love but rather because they simply seem to forget that they are not the same person. Many times people enter into marriages believing they are one, wishing they was one, hoping to be one. But what most people to tend to forget, is that marriage is simply the union, the mysterious formula of how two whole pieces become one. It is not that two people are broken, or halves but rather the idea. That two people already whole in themselves, finds something slightly unnecessary and yet impossible to ignore to be bonded not for society, not childbearing, but utterly for the selfish reason of themselves.
Marriage and love to some might be something made up, might be an illusion, a fairy tale we tell our children to implement a tradition.
But to me its something quite valuable, if its done right. You’ll never have to worry a day in your life about who loves you, who wants you, who needs you and who understand you. Marriage when done right, will stop people from yearning for attention, will stop people’s lack of self-esteem, it will encourage us to be our all, it will lift us to live our all, it will be answer to our most difficult problems and the crutch when we feel like we can’t live anymore. Marriage is not just simply settling down, but a union, a bond. That assures two people that they can make it, not because one is stronger than the other, or one lacking more than the other. But because you have found something in the other that is necessary to survive, to live. Not for the essence child bearing but for the essence of existence.
We find who we are, when we feel that who we are is accepted by someone that we believe we don’t deserve. We discover what we can be, when we feel like we don’t what we was. Marriage is only successful when we find someone who not only makes you happy for now, but will make you happy for then and there. Marriage is successful when a person is not only able to show you where you rise but where you fall. Marriage is successful when someone is not only able to support you but to push you to be all you can be with helpful advice. Love is not about letting people do what they want, but its about letting people do what they need. Because your friends would let you do what you want, but they won’t always help you do what you need.
And maybe this post is a little weird and off topic, but somehow this has been itching my brain for awhile. Maybe its because my birthday is coming and I realized that while all my other friends are finding boyfriends, going, having crushes. That I’m alone. When I see my parent’s and how happy they are, no not happy. Joyful they are. They are so happy, that even when they fight, their happiness turns to joy. Because they love each other that no matter how loud they get, I know they would never let it tear them apart.
So maybe I’m just allergic to their fights… who knows.