I hate finals, its like no matter how good of a student I am during the year. I always find myself panicking around this time till the point where I am cramming till it is 30 minutes before the test or essay is given (of course it takes me 15 minutes to get to school and an extra 5 to find my class, so if I am home this of course lessens the time I actually have).
Especially since I haven’t been in the mood this semester, I simply lack the will and drive to improve myself. Until of course later this year. Where I finally decided upon focusing myself to a single task and that is a writing major.
As of right now, the only thing that is keeping me awake and possibly functional (as a human being) is a 1/2 bottle of 5 hour energy, vitamin water (which is jammed packed with sugar) and a small amount of substantial nutrients (bacon).
During these times, I wonder if undergraduate school is it worth it? If it even counts in a world that pushes so much for higher degrees for the simplest of jobs. I realize that this is only the beginning, that undergraduate doesn’t mean anything in this world. And in fact, I have to spend another possible 200,000 or further become more in debt to society in order to get a job (and I would be even lucky to even get a high paying job that actually covers my needs and quickly pays off me debt.)
I’m beginning to feel as if society just might be screwing with me….. But right now I am too tired to continue in these thoughts.
So today was my final “Singing for the Actor” and as my fall semester quickly comes to an end. I wonder if I should continue in my minor. I was recently discovered an old friend of mines from high school was graduating. I never felt more proud for her. I was truly happy for her. But I began to wonder how long I have been in college. I have lost tracked of the years to be honest. And the more and more I thought about it, more and more I wondered if getting a minor in musical theater was really worth it.
Was I really actually going to use my minor or was it holding me back from graduating. With two minors under my belt, I discovered that with the more time I added to my skills. The more classes I had to take which meant the more time I would have to spend in college. Not that I am ready for the real world. But I began to wonder maybe it was time to let go of the old desire of Broadway. And if I was really into musical theater, maybe it’s time to make it a major for graduate school.
I wondered where my minor has taken me and if it was possible to continue in it. Not that I have never dreamed of being on the stage. I have but I want so many things in life, but I have to focus on one thing at a time right now.
But if I drop a minor it doesn’t mean I quit on the dream, in fact there are plenty of other ways for me to still continue in my musical dreams. I could take up classes outside of classes, audition more and possibly try out for the musical theater major at another college. But I know that I don’t have much time left in college (at least as undergraduate) and with the cost of it going up each year. I think it’s about time I trim myself.
I end my minor this year, it doesn’t mean I gave up on my dream. But rather it just means I must find another way to my dreams. That might mean, depending on my own skills and on God to find a way.
For the last two days I have been contemplating between acting lessons and writing lessons. I don’t know which to choose out of the two. And lately I have been thinking about my future and where I want to go in the next five to ten years. My teacher suggested that I should get a MFA in English, my career adviser says I should get a degree in Creative Writing and go into film or go into editorial work, either as a writer, poet or editor. Musical Theater teacher says that I should take a chance, take a leap into the theater world, my friends says I should continue to sing and my cousin says that I be on the stage. And my family believes I should go the safe path and be a teacher.
Though I tell them that I would be horrible teacher. Constantly telling them how I rant, lose track of my thoughts, have a terrible way of explaining things and a lack of leadership abilities and traits. They believe that teaching is the only path I can take when majoring in English. I don’t know what’s the true path for me, but I know that there is something more within me. Than teaching. And though I love my teachers and I know that teaching is important. I know within me are novels yet to be published, are poems screaming to be heard are songs tickling the hairs of my tongue, scripts waiting for me to read, are TV shoes desiring to be viewed and words wishing to be written.
Maybe I’m going the wrong path, but I believe that I can only find the right path by trying out my dreams. Even if they sound impossible. I know that I will regret not taking the leap.