I think I’m allergic to fights, spats, moments of tension in places where peace should settle to stitch it’s lovely lullabies into blanketed dreams of past wishes for the children of men. Cause every time like magic, like clockwork, like *snap*! I feel my eyes lifting its weighted wings of lashes, I feel my body breath into itself filling my heavy leaded lung with air and fire like twitches throughout my fingers and toes like a firework set up on warm July nights.
Cause every time I hear my parent’s voices raise into agonizing cries of attention, anger and disappointment. I arise, to hear their calls, their barking, their soundless tears. I arise because somehow my sleep is fully driven upon the power of calmness, of eruptions snoring, of violent kicking of night terrors and smiling tears of dreams.
Now whether that means that I am a utterly happy person or maybe an extremely sensitive person to the emotions of others does not matter. For what does matter is that, I seem to wake up in the middle of fights. While others sleep peaceful, dreaming of gorgeous turning flowers of bloom and silhouettes of dreamy love boys and girls that arouse our bodies into a tangle of guilt and pleasure. I am left to awake to the settle sounds of tension, the settle sounds of cries.
And though my parent’s love each other, I do fear that fighting is a contagious form for others not quite like them for breaking up. Not because they lack love but rather because they simply seem to forget that they are not the same person. Many times people enter into marriages believing they are one, wishing they was one, hoping to be one. But what most people to tend to forget, is that marriage is simply the union, the mysterious formula of how two whole pieces become one. It is not that two people are broken, or halves but rather the idea. That two people already whole in themselves, finds something slightly unnecessary and yet impossible to ignore to be bonded not for society, not childbearing, but utterly for the selfish reason of themselves.
Marriage and love to some might be something made up, might be an illusion, a fairy tale we tell our children to implement a tradition.
But to me its something quite valuable, if its done right. You’ll never have to worry a day in your life about who loves you, who wants you, who needs you and who understand you. Marriage when done right, will stop people from yearning for attention, will stop people’s lack of self-esteem, it will encourage us to be our all, it will lift us to live our all, it will be answer to our most difficult problems and the crutch when we feel like we can’t live anymore. Marriage is not just simply settling down, but a union, a bond. That assures two people that they can make it, not because one is stronger than the other, or one lacking more than the other. But because you have found something in the other that is necessary to survive, to live. Not for the essence child bearing but for the essence of existence.
We find who we are, when we feel that who we are is accepted by someone that we believe we don’t deserve. We discover what we can be, when we feel like we don’t what we was. Marriage is only successful when we find someone who not only makes you happy for now, but will make you happy for then and there. Marriage is successful when a person is not only able to show you where you rise but where you fall. Marriage is successful when someone is not only able to support you but to push you to be all you can be with helpful advice. Love is not about letting people do what they want, but its about letting people do what they need. Because your friends would let you do what you want, but they won’t always help you do what you need.
And maybe this post is a little weird and off topic, but somehow this has been itching my brain for awhile. Maybe its because my birthday is coming and I realized that while all my other friends are finding boyfriends, going, having crushes. That I’m alone. When I see my parent’s and how happy they are, no not happy. Joyful they are. They are so happy, that even when they fight, their happiness turns to joy. Because they love each other that no matter how loud they get, I know they would never let it tear them apart.
So maybe I’m just allergic to their fights… who knows.